I Like The Way You Burke It

Our fun beach game.

We call it BOOBS. We look around the beach to spot BOOBS. I know what you are thinking…

There are usually several BOOBS to choose from and they are NOT the type of BOOBS that you are picturing in your head right now. They are usually in the ballpark of 60+ years old, at or below the bellybutton, of the tube-sock variety (got to give credit for this visual to Nikki), or are the size of volleyballs with the inflated rest of the body to go with them. This game is so fun to play with men because THEY ALWAYS LOOK when you tell them there is a BOOB sighting. And when Wells sees them, the site of the BOOBS is so incredibly heinous that it (and I will quote) “burns my eyes.” On the off-chance that you see a fantastic set of BOOBS that we both agree are ‘bueno’ they generally seem to be accompanied by something that makes them as equally as hideous as the 60+ tube sock BOOBS. For example, we saw an amazing set of BOOBS yesterday – the kind I would not be afraid to discuss with a surgeon. And then we saw the BOOBS’ owner’s 4 year old son playing on the beach right next to her. This grossed us out so much that we took her fantastic set of BOOBS and placed them highest on the offending list. Feel free to borrow our BOOB game but you will have to be in Europe or on Fire Island to play. And no, I have not gone topless for fear people will confuse me with a boy. Sorry guys, no pictures to go with this post!

This post has nothing to do with Spain, travel, our dogs, us, or anything. It is just so damn funny that I had to share it. Watch till the end and if you are not cracking up I will give you $1 Euro. ENJOY!

I can understand the Spanish better than the English. When I say English I mean British, not English speaking.

Today I had lunch at the Coach and Horses and I don’t know why because the whole planet thinks English food is the pits. There was a large party that took up almost the whole restaurant so I sat at the bar. The food took an extraordinary long time to come out, presumably because of the large party. My pork chop came out and I was starting to eat it when the waitress came back and placed something else for me to eat on the side.

Waitress: Complements of the Chef.

Kate: Thank you. What is it?

Waitress: A side of Herpes.

Kate: What?

Waitress: Her-pes. (then she looked at me like I was the village idiot)

I know that there is more than one way to catch Herpes but having it served to you in a ramekin at your lunch is not something with which I am familiar. I raised my eyebrow a bit and gave a little smile and a nod thinking that I would just slide the Herpes around to make it look like I ate some. But no! She waited! She waited for me to taste the Herpes-British-Simplex-2 and give her a reaction. I could not find it in me to be rude so I tasted it. And it was stuffing. Like Stove Top Stuffing. Filled with Spices. And here is the AH-HA moment. Herbs. Herbs and Spices.

Herb-ies. Not Herpes. WHEW!

Yesterday was the lowest day we have had so far here in Nerja.

Telefonica was supposed to arrive at 10 am to install our wireless. He arrived at 2 and said that he needed a buddy of his to help and would be back at 5. He called me at 5 and said that he would come with his buddy at 9 a.m. a punto, or on the dot. We were frustrated but couldn’t do anything about it so we went to H2O Bar to get coffee and use their wireless. I left Wells there to work and went shopping.

While in the grocery store I was trying to read the price tag on the beach mat I wanted to buy. The box was haphazardly located near the door and as soon as I bent over to read the  price the sliding glass doors rapidly closed…with my head in between them. Closed VERY hard. The next thing I know I am sitting in a chair in the grocery store with a bag of ice on my head. —Now let me pause the recount of my day here for a minute to inform you that the previous day I whacked the top of my head so hard with my own gate that we dubbed me ‘Unicorn.’ —

So two days in a row of my own headbashing put me in an increasingly foul mood. Wells was cranky because he had a conference call that he needed to be on at 8 pm Atlanta time, so 2 a.m Nerja time. He needs wireless to make his calls and since Telefonica could not perform he set his alarm for 1:30 a.m. to go back down to H2o Bar for the call.

In the meantime  Wells accidentally erased every song off my iPod. This simple accident caused some serious marital unbliss. Then we went to dinner – SEPARATELY! We got home, kissed and made up and went to bed. We figured that it can’t get worse, right?

Two hours later his alarm went off for his call. Two hours after that he came back to bed. Two hours after that I was jolted out of bed by the sound of Neena having a severe diarrhea explosion. Let me reiterate that the mere sound of it woke me up. Wells frantically popped up to take her outside and I could not help but to notice that she missed my precious Tory Burch slippers by TWO INCHES!!! We got everything cleaned up but the smell was so overwhelming that we couldn’t go back upstairs. I yelled for Wells to, “Come to the Lily!” and the two of us started huffing the Stargazer lilies that I had bought for an odor reprieve. So here we are with a sick dog, a pungent upstairs, no sleep, and huffing a flower like it is an illicit drug. The  next thing I know Wells is moving the downstairs furniture and rolling out the futon. And there we slept…I in my clogs again and Wells in blue jeans.

Telefonica did arrive the following day…just 1 hour late. And I bet Wells keeps me in yummy smelling lilies all spring and summer long!